Circling my predicament.

What did I get myself into...

Recap

Last Saturday I managed to arise in the wee hours of morn to ready myself for the whole day audition for a guild in UST called "Teatro Tomasino". I was excited and ready to take on anything since I was confident that I would ace every test they would throw at me. The first part of the day was fine. They made us do several exercises that was related to drama and on stage perfomance which I'm sure augmented my skills as an artist. Everything was going smoothly as I strutted my mastery of theater as best as I possibly until the after lunch meeting where the interveiws were about to take place.

I scoffed as I thought to myself "Its in the bag..." thought I soon realized I was sadly mistaken. There were 3 interviews namely Artistic, Management and Technical, which I had to participate and finish before I could call it a day. Artistic was all right since my musical talent satisfied them easily. Management was a different story though. My task was to go around campus and collect donations amounting to a P100 before I could pass. It was a freakin emotional... I was exposed to good people and fuckers who dont know how to care. What really surprised me though was the fact that the majority of those who helped me were girls (n_n)V Yeah baby I put my mojo in motion right thur. Anyway, the last part was Technical. Whew, I was almost done with 1 more to go before I secure my first step in the organization.

Now this is where it gets dramatic. A lot of people were already considering quitting after they realized that this was serious shit. And after a short talk with the head in charge of the interveiw... I handed over my application form and threw in the towel, convinced that I didn't have enough time for it. So there I was, walking away from the office behind the UST botanical garden, wrestling with my passion for the arts, wanting to go back but instead I followed my mind instead, it was so intense that I actually stopped in my tracks to think it over.

Just as I had enough of thinking and was about to walk away from it all... a voice called to me... a gay one. It was one of the club heads, shouting out "Dont quit!!". I was surprised he actually cared... and I was simply speechless when some of my fellow auditionee's talked me into finishing what I started. Who was I to deny them their wish that I stay and fight? So I stayed over till I finally finished the last interveiw and was ready to hit the showers.

And thats the recap of how all this shit started.

As of today I'm an aspiring member of the Teatro Tomasino but right now I'm having some serious second thoughts. I just got home from a meeting with the guild thats purpose was to inform me of my objectives and so that I could assign myself to a role for some production that they were currently undertaking. I happily signed my named for the position of Assistant Stage Manager or ASM. My friends advised me againts it because of the level of difficulty. Too bad my mind was already made up. Later on they were holding auditions for roles so I stayed behind to try my luck. Sadly, luck can only bring you so far. My lack of skill in the language of Tagalog killed me before I even started... I wasn't expecting this to happen... for me to fail so miserably... but I guess that failure is neccesary in order to acheive.

Now I'm wondering if I should stick with my passion or follow my mind. Thus I shall be circling my predicament for now until I understand what must be done.

I'm saying the same thing dumbass.

What the fuck is it with the human mind that screws around with the perception of people that are not in tuned with their own? Whats so wrong with speaking another languange that I'm sure they understand? Nothing right?! And yet people shun me for my preferrance of the universal linggo that is English over the local language which is Filipino. Is it so intimidating to communicate using two different language's that both parties understand so well? Woo what is wrong with the community these days....

Wait a minute, what's my problem and I cant just adjust to the majority? Its a very small detail but I'm frankly sick of it. When common filipino's use the language I'm sure that in a day they'll at least speak one sentence with 3 or more cuss words in them.

Ex:

Putangina pare ang bobo naman ng gagong pero pangit naman.

Translation:

Motherfuker man that guy is a stupid idiot and he's fugly too.

The damn language has been corrupted so much that it is common for commoners to dish out this nonsense. It makes me sick that I should respect this drool and it kills me to admit that I've been influenced by my peers to speak it. Blech... the world these days.... sigh...

Kick off week.

This past week was surprisingly jam packed... lemme see if I remember enough stuff to jot down.

Monday - My final day before school... and I chose it to fucking play DotA with friends than spend some time with Rose. Even though I was preoccupied with pwning ass, I felt a bit of guilt chewing on my gut from time to time... then I realized that I was just hungry. We soon took off to eat at the Landmark food court where they had such fine gourmet for us to choose from. I settled with the traditional "Tapa" that combined with Kura's (George) special "sauce" was a delicacy indeed. After we were finished with munch mode we hang squated at our table for a while to talk about various matters. Hilarious as it is, I think I wont be sharing what we talked about but those guys sure cracked me up. Aside from the terrible wave of heart whrenching feelings that stabbed me when I got home, it was a good day well spent. Last day of summer before I plunge into reality once more.

Tuesday - Oh yeah boi! First day of class! Rawr! Woke up round 5 am to get ready. Arrived at school 6:50! Woke up Rose with a text since the I was unsure what to do and I need someone to talk to! Later on I found out that classes actually started tomorrow! Damn! I wandered till the Mike Mobile came to rescue me! Yay! What a waste of a day... a waste of a good dream... Fuck you... sorry I just felt like saying that.

Wednesday - Aight. This time my valiant effort to demagnetize myself from my bed wasn't wasted. Got there around 6:30 where I promptly made my way up the building in an attempt to follow some bad directions that the guard gave me at the entrance. Thanks to manong Janitor, I found the damn annex which, thanks to the noise, I thought was anus. Its frinkin hidden passage way that took me 10 minutes of mindless wandering to find.... woop ti fucking doo. I found my room soon enough where I was surprised to see a friend reigning supreme in one table where reigning supreme means dominating the workplace alone. After spotting me she briskly approuched and ritual chit chat began. I hate ritual chit chat, but hey, its a friendly face so might as well. After a few more minutes I say two more familiar people namely Patrick Reyles and Charlie Cheng. Yes! I know three guys in my damn block! Whew....

The introduction to the subjects that was part of the Nursing curriculum went smoothly enough. Cept for Filipino where me and Charlie requested to be put in a "Special Filipino Class". After thinking I got away with looking like a foreigner the Special Class option was denied... to both of us. It was a good chance for other people to come and talk to us though, so it wasn't all that bad.

Charlie was a load of fun. We think somewhere along the same wavelength so it was cool talking to him. Didn't get much of a chance to know Patrick though and I wasn't able to do some catching up with Biancz... oh well, i got 359 days to do that.

I thought since it was the first day of school I'd give my new found buddies a ride home. And a good ride it was... thats another happy memory in my car. Dropping them off and grabbing some gear at Greenbelt, I bummed around till 5 to go and give Rose a ride home. Man... I missed her so much and she gave me that good dose of happy that'll keep me going through these hard times.

Yep... what a Wednesday.

Thursday - Nothing much happened till noon since before that it was just an orientation in the auditorium.. I caught up with some sleep right thur. We had a lot of spare time so me, Charlie, and Patrick decided to go check out the library to see if we could research our assignment for some extra pogi points... and some credit too. After we trotted back to our rooms we were separeted into different groups for the tour round campus. I was feeling fuck-this-ish but for some reason the 3rd year student who was supposed to be our tour guide and every blockmate who was in it found me hilarious. Go me. The rest of the day was unimportant thus it was discarded from my memory.

Friday - Hoo ha! Eng. 101A... when the teacher jotted that on the damn board she happily welcomed us to Engineering 101A. At first, I was freaking terrified but when laughter suddenly broke out I felt even worse because I considered myself a certified dumbass for not understanding the joke. We had a little skit thingy for the days discussion which I choked in. Yes, the 2nd runner up of the Phillipine National Shakespeare comeptition choked. We gave a lousy performance... bah, I'll just make up for it next time.

Next subject was Theo. Wooptidoo right? Naw. It sucked shit. I involuntarily volunteered to help collect payment for some magazines we were supposed to subscribe to. I'm such a freakin dumbass. Anyway, the proffessor was all "Are you sure nursing is what will make you happy?!" on us. It was depressing even though I had a good laugh or two. Chem sucked even more since most of the items I brought wasn't exactly what my group needed. Bah.... bad day all in all.

Sat - Spent some much needed quality time with my bro. Francis Canlas. Even though it wasn't that lively it was good to see him again. And thats basically all that went down that day.

Sun - Snore

And that was my kick off week. Not at all shabby if I do say so myself. Just need to keep shit up for a few more years till I finally start to apply my asswiping skills on some rich american booty. Bleh.... I need to steal a damn bank.

Lets clean up

Lets face it, we need to eliminate unusables to survive. When I say unusables I mean the dregs of society who are rotting away in our backyards. Think of it, not only do we clean up space but we purge our society of the filth that prevents it from shining. I mean what good can come out of them just mindlessly loitering around while polluting the area enough to make a pigsty look like a fine piece of heaven. Nothing right? So why not just gather these useless bags of flesh and blot them out of existance? Besides, we also get to reduce crime that way. Isn't that just perfect? Dont that beat all. Oh yeah I almost forgot. After we hunt enough of these pathetic beings we can cage the rest as a reminder of what we must not become. Isn't that so humanitarian of me?

Lets jot down the effects of what my cleaning up idea has so far:
1. Reduced pollution.
2. Better scenery where their houses once were.
3. Reduced crime rate.
4. A more psychological suitable environment for the future.
5. More space for the worthy to breath.
6. High prices for captured degenerates when their species are on the brink of extiction
7. No more senseless vandalism

and thats only what I came up with so that you can come up with creative reasons of your own. So start making the world a better place. Be a hero. Kill some scum.

Twisted Psyche

Rejected Dejected
Distortion so morbid
Accepted, to make it
Though I still have to hate it
Poisoned Tainted
My mind now wasted
Rotten Decayed
Now I am defective
Ripped Shredded
My life has ended
Chaotic Disordered
My soul, murdured
Struggles Conflicts
My self I forfeit
Appear Vanish
I am tarnished

-M.V.M.

The emotions that I felt during the time I wrote this old poem was quite unbearable. But I refused to be defeated by the confusion that my psyche was unleashing on me, so in turn I decided to understand it. As I slowly understood what it was thats overwhelming me, I thought of some way to get rid of it. "Expression." was the answer I was looking for. After writing this short mix of the morbid, I instantly felt much better.

This poem embodies a fragment of my soul which I am constantly struggling againts in fear that it may dominate my state of mind because if it does, I'm sure that I'll lose whats left of my deteriorating sanity.